Friday, 5 May 2017

Begin Again

I've had this post saved in my draft for weeks. I was hoping it would be something more uplifting but unfortunately, circumstances have changed and this is what I've got.

The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster with many amazing ups and dreadful downs. And one thing I've realized is that my heart is capable of something I never knew.

It was capable of love. Simple, but fierce and wild.

Ever since my last relationship ended, I was convinced that I would never be able to love another person the same. I felt as though I've had given my all and that I'm left with nothing. I thought I've build these thick walls, not to stop anyone from entering, but to stop myself from getting to close to anyone - because that's just me, and I've got attachment issues.

But no, I was completely mistaken.

Some time back, I found myself in the shoes of my 20-year-old self. I was happy, and I was in love. It was the kind of love that made me look forward to waking up everyday. There were similarities, but somehow this one feels more real, more emotional and less reckless.

I don't know where I'll go from here. I have a knack of letting my pessimistic thoughts outrun the optimistic ones and I'm still scared of losing (you), but if there's anything I've learned from this experience is that my heart is strong.

It has been through more betrayals, failures and disappointments than it was programmed to. And it still beats. Yes, it's healthy and well. It has it's own fascinating way of mending itself despite the countless times it's been broken. It sees beauty in the world and it knows that there are people who are worthy of trust and love. It feels a little bit too much but I guess that just makes it more human. It's imperfect, but it has a taste of what love is like, and I guess that's something to be thankful for.

Most importantly, it's willing to give a chance. And even if I lose and my day ends with me in tears, I know that one day my heart will be able to love again.

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