Thursday, 13 April 2017

In 10 years

It just occurred to me that nearly ten years ago, I was a secondary one student going through the typical ups and downs of teenage life. I remembered the kind of mischief my friends and I would get into and all the heartbreaks that followed along with it.

For some reason, we enjoyed staying back in school. There were so many days when I laughed so hard till my stomach hurt and then there were days when all I wanted was to cry. I had different cliques throughout my five years but there was always that one group of girls whom I can always count on.

Fast forward to today, it was I who isolated myself, and it was an action I do not regret.

Over the years, I learned that I was an overly emotional person - and if there's anything I've learned from having such a dramatic trait, it was that you can't have too many friends.

I saw a quote once that entailed the inevitable link between human nature and hurting others. Hurting others is part of human nature - though some cases are more despicable than others. And I was the kind who do not handle being hurt way too well.

I love them all - the five who I grew up with - and sometimes I can't help but feel a hint of envy when I see them together. We all grew up to be completely different people. As we graduate from our tertiary institutes and move on to meet new people, the feeling of sisterhood started to diminish. My anxiety was out of control at the time and while others who suffer from the same mental illness worry about end of the world, I developed a fear of not being good enough. I got mistaken for being petty (not from someone in the group, but rather an outsider who, well, had a close attachment to one of them). Quite frankly, it got to me. Coupled with some other reasons, I eventually left.

We still talk from time to time and the only regret I have was leaving them on bad terms. I still wish them happiness, and that they'll find the love that they deserve.

Career wise, I've always had dreams of being in nursing, mainly because the idea of helping people gives me a special kind of satisfaction. Sometimes I forgot how hard I've worked to be here. I mean, sure, to many people, it doesn't take much to be enrolled into a nursing course. But hey, being a nursing student and becoming a full-fledged nurse are two different things altogether.

I remembered that there was a time in my life when I actually didn't want to work. I mean yeah, nursing was a tertiary option but truth be told, I wanted to be a housewife.

Now, hear me out. It wasn't because I didn't had ambition.

Thing is, my mother was a housewife. Which meant that I spent my entire childhood with her. I was so fortunate because all my aunts were working mums and my cousins were cared for by domestic helpers. Although I was envious by the extra special treatment they had, it can never compare to the kind of attention I got from my mum. Mind you, I was the only child for three years. I lived opposite Tampines Safra (which meant going swimming every weekend) with a clubhouse and a huge playground in the private estate where I used to live. So, despite the quibbles with the other kids, life was good. And I wanted my future kids to have that.

Of course, my mother didn't approve of my plans. She envisioned me as someone who was career-oriented and the reality of being financially stable. She was right of course.

So, here I am, ten years later. A soon-to-be 23 year old nurse who fell out of love, and also a stressed out undergrad.

Apart from my job, my life didn't turn out the way I planned. But for some reason, I'm starting to see it as a blessing in disguise.

There's a saying that goes, 'sometimes bad things happen, in order for good things to fall into place'. It took me a while to accept the many things (or rather people) I've lost and to embrace the fact that good days are around the corner.

And quite frankly, these past few days have been pretty darn grand - but that's a story for another day.

So, where do I see myself in 10 years?

I'd probably still be a nurse. Hopefully also a wife, a mother and an advance diploma cert holder. Although those aren't a sure thing, I sure hope as hell that I'd be happy and that my loved ones are healthy and safe.

Cheers.

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